Almost there….

Tomorrow, around 7pm, I will be officially done with my Master’s degree. (!) Or I should say, I will be officially done with this Master’s degree. I know people who stay in school for a long time get a lot of crap from people who urge them to, “Get a job and join the real world.” In my opinion, the people who say that are just jealous. I do plan on getting a job. I do have a job. I am a part of the real world, and I imagine, actually, many parts of the real world are actually easier than school. I would love to not have homework. But, I am a life-long learner. I enjoy writing and reading. I enjoy discussion, and I enjoy learning. I’m not sure if nursing or library science will be next. I won’t get a CNA job unless I need to, and I won’t go into nursing unless I love my CNA job… Yet, in the meantime, I’m loving my library job. Every single bit of it I love. I wish I could be there more often. This makes me believe that library science is something I should really look into, which would be my next Master’s degree.

It’s May 2 today, which means I didn’t run Run for the Lakes this year. I feel a little sad about that, but I know that I’ve accomplished a lot of other things besides that this year. I will run more marathons and I will make time for them. Perhaps those are things I can enjoy in the “real world.” I’m excited to be done with school at the moment. I think I’ll be able to get valuable me/growth time before I make the commitment of permanently joining myself to Zach next summer. People have already been asking us when we want kids. The answer is yes, we want kids, but want to be more settled first. We want to go on more adventures with each other. (HELLO HONEYMOON!) It will come soon enough, because for the health of the children, we’d like to start by our late twenties, but that’s not for a while. We’re not rushing into this, and it is nice.

I’m in shock. Smiling. Holy cow, did that just happen?

I’M ENGAGED!!!

Yay! It’s really happening. Zach and I are getting married!

I’m very happy about it, mostly because I know that he is the right person for me. I have known that since before we started dating and he did too, but of course it is hard to go on just intuition. We’re smart enough people where we had to look at evidence too. My ring is a beautiful marquise-cut sapphire set in white gold. Zach couldn’t find the perfect one at the jewelry store, so he had the jeweler create my ring from scratch! It’s pretty simple and elegant and it’s perfect for me. And I’m glad it is a sapphire instead of a white diamond. I like diamonds, but I love sapphires. And if a sapphire ring was good enough for Kate Middleton and Princess Diana–it’s surely good enough for me–although I like having that connection because I’m girly–did you get that?

Apparently as far back as a week before Easter, Zach asked for my parents’ blessing while I was at work. He asked, “What do you think about Cyndi and me getting married?” And my dad said, “We’re all for it.” And shook his hand. Did you know my parents are good at keeping secrets? Zach didn’t ask me until a week ago today on April 14, 2012. My parents said nothing about it. No hints. Nothing. And you know, I’m kind of glad they were able to keep the secret.

Zach came over to my parents’ house last weekend for dinner. After that we went on a walk around the block. I secretly looked at the shape of his pockets for a ring box, but I didn’t see anything. I thought it would be just a typical Saturday night. Zach and I had talked about the possibility of getting engaged a while back as I’m sure most couples do when they make such a big decision. But we had seen each other almost every day for the previous month and it didn’t happen, so I was sure this would just be another great night, but no proposal….He had a big grin on his face, but I didn’t know what it was for. This is kind of how our conversation went:

Zach: I have a secret to tell you.
Me: What is it? [I love secrets.]
Zach: I’m not going to tell you until after you defend your thesis.
Me: That’s not fair. You have to tell me now since you brought it up now.
Zach: Well, actually I have something to give you.
Me: It’s probably a piece of candy. [I'm always on the defense.]
Zach: (Hands Cyndi an orange Starburst.)
Me: I knew it!
Zach: Well, how about this instead? (Hands me the ring, asks me to marry him…I don’t believe him so he hands me the ring box.)

I put the ring on instantly, but I don’t say yes until about thirty minutes later. I’m in shock. Smiling. Holy cow, did that just happen? We continue our walk around the block and talk some more. When we get back inside we tell my parents, who are thrilled! That night I call my best friend Sara (who will be getting married a week before me) and ask her to be my maid of honor, and Zach also calls his friend, Kirby, (his best man). Then we eventually tell everyone during the next couple of days, but I wanted to make sure we tell our close family and friends before we make it public.

And there you go. The story. We already have a date set: June 29, 2013 and a venue booked: Old Salem Hall in Turtle River. I’ve started making the fabric/ribbon flowers for my bouquet. We’re having a lot of fun already planning this wedding. And Zach is very helpful and involved, which is totally great!

I’ll have to continue with wedding-detail posts in the future, but would that give away the surprises we have in store?

ANNE OF GREEN GABLES IS NOT BORING, BITCH

Wow, I haven’t been here in a long while. Much has been happening in my life–a very good much. I defended my thesis last week. It’s official title was: ANNE OF CANADA: THE CONNECTION BETWEEN LITERATURE AND NATIONAL IDENTITY. I had a great time researching/writing/and defending and I’m actually quite proud of my work. It was really great to be able to talk about my paper during the defense too, so no, they are not scary. A whole room of PhD’s dedicated to discussing my work? Yes, please! I can handle the attention…And it’s nice to be an expert and have nothing to worry about during the discussion. I had a weird dream last night that I kind of still remember. I ended up telling some girl I’ve never really gotten along with, “ANNE OF GREEN GABLES IS NOT BORING, BITCH!” Yeah, I totally defended the novel, and I would over and over again in real life too. It’s funny what we dream about. After finishing that 2-year project I have the sudden urge to read the novels again along with Montgomery’s journals. That’s how I know it was right for me. The passion is just there.

I’ve been juggling two different library jobs and they are both wonderful and surprisingly different from each other. At the A.C. Clark library on campus I’m a GA at the Reference desk, although I’ve also been a student worker at the Circulation desk. At the Public Library I’m officially a Substitute Assistant Librarian–(although, don’t let it fool you, I’m not an actual librarian–no MLS). I mostly work the Circulation desk there, however, it is really a lot of fun and the time goes by really quickly. My interaction with patrons is completely different in a great way. I can recommend more books there and I see more community members that I know–however, I do like helping people with their research too. Sometimes I work double library shifts. Morning-Afternoon at the Public Library and Afternoon-Evening at the library on campus. On those days I may get tired, but I think about all the work that is put into libraries and I daydream about retirement–and when that time finally comes I want to volunteer in libraries. There is so much work to do! I really love this kind of work, which is why the decision about jumping into nursing has gotten much harder. I could just as easily get a Master’s Degree in Library science, which may be a better alternative for the lifestyle that I envision for myself. There’s passion there too.

Sometimes I think: a Master’s degree, like that’s hard? And I will have my Master’s degree as soon as I turn in a couple of papers. Finishing in two years is kind of a big deal too in case you didn’t know. I’m the only one of my class to do so.

Decisions, decisions

I haven’t been here in a while. For some reason, I’m just not about sharing lately, although, today I feel like it. To give a bit of an update: I’ve finished ALL of my comprehensive exams. I have exactly 6 days to finish my thesis. In a couple of days I’ll be taking my state CNA test. I’m house sitting for my parents (chicken-keeper extraordinaire!) And soon I’ll be moving in with them TEMPORARILY. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m tired with my current situation, and since my next step is pretty much up in the air right now, I don’t want to commit to anywhere or anyone else. And then a part of me suddenly thought, “If I’m going to be unhappy where I’m living, I might as well save some money.” My parents are not awful to live with. They’re really the most laid-back people I know (I’m sure I got my type A from my dad’s mom). So I’m slowly sorting, cleaning, purging, and relocating my world. I pulled a groin muscle a couple of weeks ago, so I’ve taken time off from running. I can at least do a half marathon I know, so perhaps I’ll do my whole marathon at the end of the summer? My last long run was 12 miles. I could have done 1.1 miles and more. So yeah, same story, same busy, busy, busy.

The whole issue about not knowing where I’ll be next is hard, but I’m trying to deal with it constructively. I know a lot of people feel this way when they graduate (the second time for me), and I know it is my power to change and decide, however, I haven’t had the time to focus on that right now. Maybe after my CNA stuff is done. Maybe after my thesis is done. But, not until then. I’ve decided that all of the people I have class with have no idea what I’m doing. The students in the nursing class have no idea what I do when I’m at BSU and the students in my seminar class have no idea what I do when I’m at my nursing class, no idea what I do at the library (and how it compares to their overwhelming teaching GAships), and most of them are also oblivious to my graduation timeline, however, they’ll learn soon enough. It satisfies me to be a versatile person, but it leaves a ton of options open. To be honest, I really only know one other person that is defending a thesis this year–my roommate and this is her third year in the program. I’m proud of her. Most people get an MA in 2-3 years. However, I’m not really proud of some of the other people in the program who are approaching the beginning of their 4 + years and still haven’t finished. If I can do it, without my heart even being into it most of the time, they can too. It seems weird that I’m graduating and finishing my thesis, because frankly, I’ve never wanted to have a Masters in English, and I went into the program *knowing* I wouldn’t finish. And here I am, finishing. Perhaps the reason why I’m graduating somewhat early compared to most of my peers is because I’ve flat-out told myself I’m either graduating this year or not at all, and I seriously mean it. It was a big decision for me to decide if I wanted to engage in a second year and three years is just too long. I think I would go insane with the amount of drama and intellectual masturbation that goes on the third floor of Hagg Sauer. I’m SO glad I have a wonderful job and office where I can be away from it all this last year. Yay library!

So there are a lot of variables currently floating around. Will I get a job or pursue nursing education right away? And where? And what sort of degree? Traditional BSN, accelerated BSN, or Entry-level BSN/MSN? Although I terribly want to be an RN, I’ve also thought about my stress level. I feel like it has been at an all-time high lately (due to everything + my PT) and I really hope it will go away once this is all over and I can breathe. But I worry that I won’t be able to healthily handle the nursing profession if my Cortisol doesn’t lower. So I’ve been thinking about a career in libraries once again, just because it is so stress-free and it is really important to me to enjoy life. All of the positions I’ve looked at though (in universities) require an MLS. Perhaps that’s the next step for me? I’m not sure. Some schools also require a second Master’s degree–well, at least I’ll already have the second Master’s degree. I really wonder why that is necessary–I’m pretty sure I could do the job well without an MLS–I have enough experience at least! I also wonder if going for an MLS would be good for me or not. Is it just another reason to put off nursing? Would I regret not becoming a nurse? And what if it really is good for me because of my tumor? I think I’ll talk to my employers and see how they feel about their jobs and think about if it would be worth it to me. I actually feel like I need guidance on this issue. The CNA class has been good and not too hard, but incredibly stressful for what it was. Also, during clinicals I was reminded why I didn’t like the idea before. There is just so much negativity from other people in the profession. “Nurses eat their young.” Sure, I can deal with drama and bitchiness, but I’m not sure if I want to. I want my life to be relaxing–but I also want it to be fulfilling. Could I be fulfilled at a library? Would I be able to find a job? I need to ask myself if I want my job to be my adventure or if I want my job to fund and complement my adventures. So, you can see why I haven’t made any definite decisions yet.

I actually went to church today for the first time in a long time. It was good, overall. The guy who tried to pick me up a year ago was there and sat by me and my friend…But I ignored him. (Lesson learned, never go to church to pick up guys. Creepy story I’ll tell later.) I’m still not sure where I am with religion, it’s always hard for me to reconcile with the political side of religion. I never agree in those instances. But, I do need something mystical in my life, I’m just that kind of person. I want to feel something bigger than me. Much, much, bigger.

faster and faster

I have been meaning to write an update for a while. While I’m running, I come up with a lot of ideas for posts, but when I’m not running I’m either busy doing something else or resting. Resting has become an important part of my life. I have days when I’m going and going all day and others where I don’t do much of anything. (Although, not much of anything is actually something but I don’t think it is because my standards of activity are adjusting.)

I’m happy to say I am getting things done, at least. CNA class is good and I only have a handful of days left before I have clinicals. The History of the English Language is super frustrating–because even though I do all of my reading, I still don’t understand what I’m doing. I can tell when I’m a bad student, and I feel like I deserve what I get when I neglect to do my homework, but I have been a really great student, actually, and I still don’t get it, and I’m not excited for my 4.0 GPA to drop on the LAST class of my MA career. But, we’ll see what happens. I’m still going to try my best, but I just hope the class material suddenly blossoms to me so I can get out unscathed. I’ve even been so frustrated with this class already that I’ve thought about dropping out of the program (because I’m going to be a nurse, duh), but I can’t. I’m not a quitter. So again, let’s see what happens. Library work is heavenly as always. I will never go back to teaching, ever. I get so much done at work: basically paid to do my homework.

I’ve finished my first month of training!!! I’m proud of myself for sticking with it. This marathon is so much different than the last one. I’m harder on myself, because I know that I am capable of this sort of discipline. I don’t get the joy of reaching a new personal record every week, because I’ve already run up to 26.2 miles in one setting. My boyfriend is not training with me (although he’s training for his own goals). And my training plan is different too. Instead of running a set number of miles each day, I run a set number of minutes. It was at first a little tough for me not to count miles all of the time, but it’s getting better. I like knowing how many miles I’m doing, but I don’t always have to know. Zach still makes up my schedule, gives me a ton of encouragement, and runs with me once a week (for “long” runs). (Okay, okay, he’s pretty great, actually.) Yet, this marathon is definitely worthwhile in its own right. I have so much to prove to myself over again and I’m hoping to become faster and faster.

shots, runs, and academics

Holy cow! Have I ever been busy! Tomorrow I have four tests! My nursing assistant class is demanding, but I know I’ll get through it. I’ve been studying for that, trying my best to figure out Historical Linguistics and IPA (because everyone needs to know what an voiced alveolar fricative is). I’ve been given specific instructions not to do anymore thesis research–because I need to get my ass writing. I’m also in the process of pre-writing for one comprehensive examination (out of 2 left).

Today I ran 10 miles too. I’m training for another marathon (and another, and another) and already I’m onto double digits. It is only week four! I must say it is nice to be back. Last week was difficult because it was so cold. I ran 45 minutes on one of the coldest days and 1:50 minutes in 13 degree weather. Today it was 16 above when I ran (and I’m proud of myself because I started running before 7:30am).

Both of my arms are sore. Thanks to this nursing thing I had to get shots. I was out of date with a couple of mine, so I needed four: tetanus, tuberculosis test, influenza, and my last of the series of Hepatitis B from years ago. Lucky I had all of my MMRs. I’ll have to go in for another Mantoux and I’ll also probably have to get a chicken pox vaccine (my mom is not sure if I got it as a child, great). Yet, it’s all worth it, and definitely not as bad as it used to be. I’m starting to actually like needles. Weird, huh?

making a (quilt) bed

Today I’ve been kind of busy. I woke up at 6:30 and had a pretty intense class from 8-2. I got an A on my quiz and learned how to make a bed one side at a time (it’s kind of like quilting, you just have to figure out how the material will unfold). I worked from 5-11 and read most of that time. I brought The Eye of the World with me, but instead I read Anne of Tim Horton’s and my Nursing Assistant chapter outlines. The two programs I’m in are so different, and I am in love with them both. I hours reading sentences like,

“The preoccupation with tourism in Atlantic-Canadian literature tells us much about current economic, political, social, and cultural conditions in the region but also tells us much about tourism as an extension of an ambivalent and often imperializing globalization” (Wyile 161).

and

“Hand hygiene continues to be the primary means of preventing the transmission of infection” (OBRA 12).

Is tourism neocolonialist? Yes, yes, and yes. I love this idea and it will come into play spectacularly as I weave together the different sections of my thesis.

Also, I’m so excited to read about nursing, even if it is just basics. I’m on my way to RN-hood. And lately I’ve been wondering and hoping to work for a facility that will pay for my MSN. Yeah, I’m not even a CNA yet, but why not go that far?

Today I took a break from running because I literally didn’t have the time. It was a mandatory rest day. But, tomorrow, I will run. I’m determined to run two marathons by June.

Beginnings

Wow! What a great day and what a great tomorrow up ahead! I’ve successfully completed week 1 of marathon training 2012. My run today was kind of wonderful. I’m sure the oatmeal I ate before really fueled me. I ran almost 4.5 miles in 45 minutes, which is fast for me. And I felt great the entire time. I kept a really positive attitude too, and I think that was key. I’m grateful to be training again, actually. I’m pretty sure I thrive on structured exercise. So to my trainer/boyfriend: you win, today. My body feels good. Some times I think I’m just stumbling along, but sometimes, that’s what running is, just a lot of it, over and over. I’ve also capped off the day with hours of walking, yoga, and a bit of strength training. This year I’m going to run two marathons: Brainerd and Fargo.

Tomorrow I start my first day of my last semester as an English Masters student. I have a lot to do, but I’ll do it. I’m ready for this. Tomorrow is also my first day as a student of nursing. CNAs do very basic work, but it is a step in the right direction and I’m delighted. It’s the first step to getting my BSN. I’m a little nervous, actually, but it will turn out well. Today at church I decided that my theme for 2012 is going to be “Strength”, which means, I’m going to do things to make myself uncomfortable just to prove I’m strong enough to face my fears. This means I’m going to CNA class, I’m going rock climbing, I’m going to bible study, and I’m not going to be afraid to talk to people, and I’m going to talk to them just because I can. My happiness project is going pretty well too.

Modern Day Walden

It’s the forth day of the new year and so far I’m doing really well with staying organized and preparing for a busy semester. I’ve committed to doing a happiness project for 2012, which should keep me on task. For one of my papers last semester I had to research modern day Waldens, and after arguing that Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project is transcendental, I’ve decided to just go with it and attempt to follow the book for a year. I think it is a good book too, since it is well-researched and provides a practicable approach to being able to look at life in a more grateful way.

Yesterday as I was buying my books for my nursing assistant class, I ran into someone I went to high school with. I had hardly recognized her, but she knew my name. It was an interesting meeting because as I was finding my books she was telling me how excited she was. That’s when it occurred to me that this is probably her first time in college. (At the tech college in town, where I’m only going to get a certification to qualify to apply for a program at a university.) I agreed with her and smiled because I am also excited to be starting nursing–finally. This encounter made me realize how lucky I am, really, to have been able to go to college this long. I’m closing in on my 6th year of college and I’m planning to continue on with academics. It probably sounds stupid and elitist, but it never really occurred to me that for some people, college is a big deal at even the most basic level. It’s the difference between taking College Writing 1 as a freshman and having taught it as a grad student. At this point, it is even a little hard to conceive of what my life would be like without school. Sure I’m not going to be in college forever, and I really don’t want to be, but I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with going for me just because I want to. I have my entire life to be a responsible adult and I don’t feel like starting quite yet in the real world. After all, I don’t have any debt. I also think that after each degree I get my years spent in college calculator should start back at zero. So only two years and soon none. I’m pretty grateful to have been able to learn all of these years, follow one of my passions pretty far, and then decide to follow a much different passion.

Another one of my New Year’s resolutions is to try to get into religion again. I know that sounds like a weird goal, but being a religious person is something I want to be when I’m older, and I want to try to start now. It has been kind of a problem though, as I get busy and busy and I don’t want to add another thing to my plate and I don’t want to think about another thing in my mind, and of course there have been times where I’ve been too hungover to go to church, etc. I’m going to try harder this year though. I’m trying to commit myself to read two chapters of the Bible a day, yet I’m running into kind of a problem with this goal. I don’t feel like I’m reading it right. Okay,I can not stop reading against the grain, which is not making this fun. I want to be able to enjoy God, but honestly, sometimes reading the Bible is just frustrating.

When the Time Comes

Oh wow! I can’t believe tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Somehow, every single year the approach of the new year surprises me. The sense of wonder, amusement, and awe at the passing of time never gets old. It’s an incredible feeling. Do other people experience time the way I do?

Before I go more into the new year, I have to look back a bit to Christmas. This is really the first year that I did holidays with a boyfriend. I have yearned for a little while to be that girl that gets taken home to see mom and dad for Christmas, and now I’ve finally found myself in that position! I’m a little scared by it, actually, but also over-joyed. My Christmases, all of them, were pretty good. Although I’ve been admittedly scroogey (because it’s really not fun to be a poor college student around Christmas), the holidays were successful. I’ve spent a lot of time with family and friends. I’ve also gotten some pretty great stuff. We didn’t have a significant amount of snow this year for the first time I can remember. So I guess that is part of why it was so hard for me to get in the spirit this year. I really didn’t feel good about Christmas until I was in Baudette at my boyfriend’s family’s house. They don’t get to see each other as often and don’t take it for granted like seeing family is for me. Experiencing the delight they had being together made me think about the holiday in a different light.

I’ve paid for classes now. I’ve also bought books for one of them ($150, isn’t that ridiculous?). I’m getting ready to go back to school and thinking about my plan for the semester. I’ve been cooking up my next comp, and I’m excited to write about it when the time comes. I’m going to take a post-colonial look at The Chronicles of Narnia series. It should be awesome. I feel good about everything I”m about to accomplish in the coming semester. I’ll finish my Master’s in English, get my Nursing Assistant certification, work at the library, write a thesis, and train for another marathon.

As for New Year’s, I haven’t really written down a list of goals or resolutions yet. I usually do this. I think it will be a good year for me though. After all, why wouldn’t it?